It's almost as good as retail therapy.....

wow.... it certainly has been a long time since i've used this
thanks kim for reminding me about it! i totally forgot i even had one of these things!!

i wish i could give a nice, happy little entry, but as usually the bullshit and drama prevails and it's kicking my ass all over the place. i'm not happy. i am pulling away. i'm not acting like myself, i feel like i'm wasting my time. But, am i really wasting my time if there is nothing better for me to do with it??

i hate secrecy, flat out lies, the lies by ommision, the empty promises, the backstabbing intentially hurtful actions that people do on a daily. i hate not knowing who anyone is anymore, showing up at a party and sitting in the basement while everyone else is outside smoking pot. i hate having to chug my drink because i know if i put it down on the table it will NOT be safe to drink from later. i hate always being the one to clean up people's messes, to solve everyone's problems, to be the one who has to remain rational at all times and never lose my cool.

for once, i would not like to worry so much about what other ppl think and get everything off my chest. just for once. cuz i know that how i am accustomed to handling things now is not healty. i am letting it build of inside of me, constantly dwelling on it, and having it escalate into something much bigger than it really is because i am so wound up.

and ya know what the sad part is?? this little rant stemmed from a bottle of black cherry soda, a ripped bag of doritos and a smashed bottle of alcohol, and a night playing on the playground at HB Stowe at 11:30pm.

sooooooo, this is my new best friend, cuz I am ready to go off the deep end. yes, i say that at least once i week, but that was just me saying i'm ready to go off the deep end and into the kiddie pool. now i am ready to go off the deep end into the big, scary, adult pool, and i'm not ready for adult swim!!!!!!!

i am so excited to be a senior, but i am not ready to go back to school. i am not going to be able to take the pressure. get the grades, do the community serivce, attend the meetings, fill out the applications, get the scholarships, work at my job, visit more colleges....... AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

anyway, i got an e-mail today about being over scheduled during your senior year. here are the signs (which, its great that they give you the signs so you can recognize them, but what they don't do is tell you what the hell you can do to help yourself )Here it is:



Signs you're over scheduled

Sleeplessness. You have difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep or waking up. Rest is critical to your health. Falling asleep during class might only hurt your grade, but nodding off at the wheel of your car is dangerous. "You cannot continue to take out of the sleep bank, and not be punished by it, mentally as well as physically," Kendrick says.

Nothing gets done. You add three items to your to-do list for every two you cross off. Over-scheduled students have a difficult time maintaining priorities. And if they are able to get things done, often they're not done well.

Low self esteem. "Since you're not accomplishing what you're attempting to accomplish, there's a drop off in self-esteem," Kendrick says. You enroll in less challenging classes to guarantee a good grade, or look for the path of least resistance in another facet of your life.

Forgetfulness. "It can range from vital, important things, like when to turn in a paper, to the mundane, like when to feed your pet," Kendrick says. "You're out of synch and out of rhythm." As a result, your grades and schoolwork suffer.

Sport injuries. Stress can affect your ability to focus on the field, which can result in injuries. If your performance is dropping in sports you've excelled in for years, it could be a sign of stress.

Personality and attitude changes. Kendrick says that for stressed out students "there's not as much excitement or joy about school or extracurricular activities." You feel like you've lost your sense of humor, lost your patience or find yourself complaining more often. This can hurt your relationships with friends and family.

Physical health. Stress can manifest itself physically in the form of a nervous tick. Stuttering or stammering while you try to express yourself can be a sign that you're mentally clogged by everything you're taking on. You may experience migraine headaches and become ill more often.

You're overwhelmed. You've lost perspective and aren't sure why you're involved in half the activities you're committed to. You feel like you're not in control of your life. You feel trapped. If this is true, it's appropriate to reassess what you're involved in.


so, considering that ALL of those have affected me this summer (well, except for the sports injuy), I can definately say I am overwhelmed. I have been to 6 colleges this summer, only liked 2, and am considering one other but only kinda, sorta, not really. and, there is only one more left to look at. so..... what does that mean? it means that i need to find MORE schools. i need more options, more scholarships, more variety, and oh yea, more money to PAY for school. which, that is a whole issue in itself b/c i don't qualify for any significant scholarships for any of the schools that i am looking at at the moment. my sats aren't high enough. i'm taking them again, but i need them to go up at least 90 pts. and, lets be realistic, thats just not going to happen

i am emotionally and physically exhausted. college doesn't even seem worth it at this point, and the funniest part is, its only begun. i didn't start preparing early enough, i should have been visiting schools last spring so i wouldn't be in panic mode now. the stress is tottaly getting to me. my face is coverd with tiny craters, even with my pro-active (which WAS working great until about a week ago), my mood swings are worse than ever, and i keep getting migraines that won't go away, even with my excedrin. which means i'm going to have to go on a prescription, and the only kind i can get is one that makes you gain weight, which will make me feel even worse about myself than i already do. and i'm trying to learn to drive the fucking standard but i can't do it and i'm not going to have a car to drive to school and that is NOT an option b/c i have peer ed and i have to get from ehs to where ever i am going to be teaching!

i wish i could say that writing this all down has made me feel better but it hasn't. its just a written reminder of everything i have left to do, and everything that is going to come back and bite me in the ass down the road because i wasn't prepared. i am putting so much pressure on myself, and my parents are putting pressure on me in differnt ways, in ways that they don't even realize, and i am so sick of trying to please everyone, of trying to talk myself out of being OK with a decent college, of trying to talk myself out of loving the one school that i have actually loved (here come the tears) because it is really expensive. im tired of my angry tears, my stressed out tears, my "things couldn't get any worse than this" tears, all of 'em. i am just flat out tired.

so, if you put up with my rambling and made it this far, you will be relieved to know that this is the end of my entry. I am going to wash my crater face, take some more pills in hopes of getting rid of this migraine, and go make a list. that's right, that's what i do. i make lists. and when i finish my list, i am going to rip it up into a million little pieces (with scissors, nee nee nee nee neee nee neeeeeeee. the delicious) and cry myself to sleep. yes, that is what i have to look forward to for the last 7 nights of summer vacation